Well, with 17 days to go before the shoot. Things aren't looking fantastic. Had a real "moment of truth" ...moment tonight. It was a real tense day today, not the kind of day you can cope with too often. Yet I say that, some hours after the panic has subsided (marginally), and realise what an incredible rush the whole thing is. I must say, this is a little novel, just processing it now, but I think half the attraction of filmmaking (low budget, guerrilla, as I've come to understand it), is the beyond intense risk and fear it involves. In an adrenaline junkie, somewhat masochistic sense, embarking on the filmmakers journey is arguably one of the most extreme things an individual can do.
It's funny though, it seems that in every film I've made (and possibly will make), there is this black, engulfing moment where you lose all hope and think "what was I thinking!!! This is so much bigger than me!?" And you just lie in the bath, with the water getting cold and a lonely moth causing frantic, ethereal shadows to play games of cat and mouse on your already plummeting constitutional strength. And you have a choice. It seems all directing is really, is a series of choices, in fact, that's really all that life is. Either you stay there, in the vain hope that somehow, you'll close your eye's one last time, and open them, somewhere nice. Somewhere removed and liberated. In a sublimely crafted Eden, a Paradise Found. Or, and it's a big "OR", you get up, release the self indulgence, and do something about your situation...
It's interesting, during a flurry of panicky phone calls to various crew members, to update them on the latest set-backs, I spoke to a team member who expressed nearly as much anxiety as me. Interestingly, this was the catalyst for my "recovery". Hearing his reservations and fears, caused me to resume my function as "team leader" in the sense that I really need to be the one holding it together and motivating the others. I immediately started explaining how things would be OK, and how I saw the contingency plans falling into place. This positivity really helped me to adopt some positivity, I guess it's true...you are (create) what you think about.
Anyway, enough of all this. Part of the reason for the low today, no doubt has something to do with the fact that I've been averaging 4 hours sleep for the last week. I've been getting 2am moments of (mini) truth...tonight being the culmination of these - I trust. The point being, I should quit the verbosity and GO TO SLEEP!
But, to update: Received the quote from the armourer (who was bringing 4 additional British soldiers in uniform). The quote was nearly half the budget!!! (No exaggeration), so am going to have to seriously rethink some things. Received the quote for the accommodation in Loteni. Basically the other half of the budget! So, again...going to have to do a hard sell, and try secure a discount. Evidently my proposal sent through, was not enough. Compounding that, I very nearly lost the location! In terms of the accommodation. The tricky thing is, we're shooting during the school vacation, so, it's getting relatively busy now, which makes getting a discount tricky. I luckily managed to book (at the expensive rate) the last of the accommodation! Would have been really shit if we'd lost that!!! I've also been really stressing about securing the transport for everyone...but think I've finally decided on the cheapest (if not most comfortable) scenario.
Let me stop there, before these realities slap me like a cold wet fish, and the magnitude of it all reemerges. Am adopting a seriously optimistically naive attitude, reminding myself "that it'll all work out for the best"...after all, it really always does.
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